STAND UP

This is some early stuff and I would probably not want to do it again but when you get up you often put on the safety blanket of old material.

My girl friend  bought this school girls uniform to spice up our sex life. It works but she makes me wear it every night.

My girlfriend comes home with a Feng Shui expert.  I said 'what's this all about. She says she pays the woman $200 and she tells me how to arrange things to create harmony in the house.
I said "Sounds like a lot of crap to me"
and the Feng Shui expert says "Get rid of that bastard for starters"

This is a great little bit but I sort of got banned from using it.

 

So I had to end mt tennis partnership of 15 years with Ronnie. Ronnie was a great guy and great partner and we had lots of fun but I had to call it quits. Did I mention he had tourette syndrome. Yer , great gut but I just got tired of him calling me a cunt.

THE PASSION 

(This is the only routine I’ve ever done in which I was booed and heckled  I did this at a pub .I had no support from any of the comedians that night until after I was threatened by a patron. I was banned from the pub for doing this religious piece as they saw it. It's a film review . The open mike, pub style stand up audience wants offensive on their level which is an extremely narrow area, they want sex , drug and political humour and when they get it feel short changed, give them something a bit better and they go that's not funny. The people who run these venues also want the customer happy so have they are not interested in the bar being raised. it becomes an ugly inbred style of comedy)

THE PASSION

I’m not one for censorship, or policing whether it’s film or coming here and doing comedy, except the purpose of protecting children. That is what censorship should only be about. That’s my opening statement.

I went and saw the Passion of the Christ.  Kill Christ volume 1.

There’s a scene in the The Passion of the Christ in which Jesus is  whipped,  flogged, beaten, verbally abused, I hate that, tortured and crucified, it’s a memorable scene. It’s an interesting scene. Because not only is it violent, it goes for an hour and a half.

Some critics have said it’s the most violent movie ever made. It probably is.

But is it too violent?  Not really.

Christ died on the cross and suffered for the sins of every man.

Every man.  

For me alone he would have got 20 lashes.

This is for Mick Steel masturbating, lash lash

This is for Mick Steel getting on porn sites. Lash lash

This is for Mick Steel swearing and using your name in vain.

This is for Mick Steel knocking off that  tin of paint from his work.  

This is for him coveting his neighbours wife. Lash lash I just perved on her.

Perved as well Lash.

And that’s just the punishment he would have got for my sins.

So to suffer for all of man kind that’s a lot of suffering.

What he would have gone through just for Hitler, or the Canterbury Bulldogs. He would have paid big time.

There’s another interesting scene where a dying Christ has a flash back to when he was a carpenter and he makes this table for his mother.

Now I can’t speak Latin so I have to speak Australian

Christ goes : Hey mum, I made this table.

She goes:     Jesus the legs are too high. ( she’s not swearing that’s his name)

He goes :      I’ll just have to make higher chairs”

Now what gets me here is that Christ wasn’t  a  good carpenter, in fact that sounds like the sought of bullshit answer I’d come up with, to cover up my mistake.

“Hey Mick you fucked that up”.

“No I did that  deliberately”

That could be any carpenter.

All he had to say was “Shit mum you’re right, I better take four inches of those legs. Not, I’ll make bigger chairs”.

If I had a carpenter make a table and chairs for me and they were far too high, I don’t think I’d be saying “Who do you think you are Jesus Christ . I don’t think so?

In 1988 I didn’t get to see Martin Scorcese’s Last Temptation of Christ. I’ve since on video and T.V.

It’s a story of Christ questioning the fact that he has been chosen as the son of god. It follows the scriptures but it’s a piece of fiction.

He’s a good guy, telling parables, like there was this Irishman and a Scotsman.

And in this story once he is nailed to cross , Satan appears, and Satan offers Christ the opportunity to live, and Christ for the next twenty minutes experiences how is life could be. So he marries Mary, there are love scenes, a child is born and he has problems like any other person, changing nappies  and it’s not a bad life but it’s a fulfilling interesting life, and it’s a really good movie.

This movie was about mental and emotional torment, not torture.

He wasn’t whipped for an hour and a half.  He wasn’t shown to be beaten with cat of nine tails or baton with nails through them, we didn’t see the flesh being ripped from his body. 

And it got banned in Queensland  and Papua New Guinea. That’s why I didn’t see it in 1988.

It got banned because Christ had sex. Christ fucked Mary and had a baby so they banned it.

So how do I wrap this up?

Censorship is a funny thing, when Jeffrey Hunter played Christ in 1961 they nailed him to a cross, but they made him shave his armpits, so as not to offend anyone,

GO FIGURE

                                                                                   

                                                                                                THE END

POSTSCRIPT - THE PASSION PART 2

I was puzzled when I walked off but what I didn’t expect was the confrontation.

This guy told me  I had no right to talk about Jesus or God or religion in that fashion. I ruined his night of comedy.

I said "I wasn't talking about Jesus I was talking about a Mel Gibson movie, don't you get it" 
He then said to me, or was it unto me, “I should kill you right now right"

I replied with “ Kill me mate , God will be happy with that, I don’t give a shit,  if that ‘s what it takes to prove your point just do it,  but I tell you one thing , this is a free country and I can say what I like when like on stage.

I then walked to the next bar and ordered a beer. When I picked it up I was shaking.

It wasn’t that I was being neither brave nor stupid. I just thought I should stick up for our rights.

Also I don’t believe I can say what like, when I like on stage, but in the context of this verbal stoush, that was the only angle to go. Too many new comedians say what they like on stage. They are often dangerously wrong with their opinions. STUPID.
There was one Brisbane comedian who made the most tasteless joke about kids drowning in swimming pools and I thought one day he will meet a couple in the audience and he will get beaten up by a grieving parent.

I remember being in one of those “comedy competitions”  and being beaten by a comedian who referred to Asians as “Gooks”. Go Figure?. Again.

Four days later I did this routine at a pub on a Sunday afternoon. Big laughs. I had to prove that to myself. No one else.