THE CANNIBAL COOKERY BOOK SKETCH
Earlier today I watched a few minutes of one of those cookery shows, something I never watch , but whilst doing so I asked myself the question. Where's the sketch?" Within about 30 seconds the answer came to me. The Cannibal's Cookbook.
1. I asked myself why I haven't seen a sketch on this theme before. Like it's obvious.
2. Next: First reference. Jeffrey Dahmer and the head in the fridge.
3 Do I do it as interview with the cannibal taking questions or do I do in a Ronnie Barker style with the e cannibal in a kitchen and those monologues were written in a style in which Ronnie asks himself the questions. "And where do I find a butchered up body at this time of night you may ask, well here's the answer". The answer is you do both because the interview can be a prelude to the cannibal having his own cooking show.
4 Other things that come to mind when writing this sketch Obvious Chinese and or Indian.
Ok Straight away I think of the Cookery Show
Cannibal : And here is my Chinese dish, come out Mae Wong. Lovely isn't she , Mae will be served with rice and oyster soup.
The next thing is what will he be cooking?
My first thought once again obviously all the exterior human features. Head, eyes, ears, lips, arms , hands, legs and feet. Then there's the interiors , brain, heart, liver and kidney.
All of these have to be combined with a cookery term such marinated or stewed or casserole.
But what will really make this funny or make it work as far as recipes.
A.Marinated liver. No
B Silvia's marinated liver. So so.
C Annoying Landlady's marinated liver. That's more like it. let's get specific here, he's a cannibal and he eats people who annoy him.
So I'm making up a name for this cannibal character and a dozen have gone in and out and then it hits me, yes the obvious hits me. It has to be pop culture icon Hannibal Lecter in full face mask.
1. It's a satirical sketch so there's no rights to the name etc.
2 He's the biggest cannibal name in the business.
3 He will grab every kid's attention. "Did you see the Hannibal Lecter sketch, that was disgraceful". At this point I'm not thinking disgraceful but I want it to be distasteful. ( pun not intended).
4. No lines like :
So what possessed you to be a cannibal.
You could say I had a hunger for it . ( None of that ) Something similar though.
HANNIBAL'S LECHTER' S COOKBOOK INTERVIEW
Host : Good evening , my next guest needs no introduction. He is world a renowned serial killer and cannibal and master chef. Currently do time a life time in prison with the special title "Never to be released' this man has murdered more people than most of us would dream of. Give a warm welcome to Hannibal Lecter.
CUT TO Hannibal Lecter in face mask.
Hannibal : Hi Guys.
Host: I've got to say Hannibal, that's an impressive entourage you have with you behind the screen.
Hannibal: They are eight highly trained SAS men who will kill me as if I as much as sneeze.
Host: Give a big hand to the SAS they do such a great job.
Hannibal: Maybe.
Host: Before we get to the cook book Mr Lecter I'd like to discuss your history of murders, if that's fine with you. It says here Thirty two alleged murders.
Hannibal: Twenty nine. Alleged. the others are pure coincidence.
Host: Twenty nine.
Hannibal: Well who's counting really, I mean someone turns up dead two blocks away from my house, they are have their tongue cut out , their lungs and kidney removed, their fingers and toes cut off and everyone points the finger at me. Next thing I know they say I am number one on their suspect list.
Host: Yes, those accusations must hurt you.
Hannibal: You bet, sometimes they hurt me so much I could just cut their heads off and eat their brains, with a mushroom sauce but so be it.
Host: Yes. And did you cannibalize all your victims or just some?
Hannibal : What do you take me for, a pig? No! In most cases I just enjoyed the killing. I ask you , could you eat a politician. I bet the answer is No!
Host It is No!
Hannibal: Of course it's No. You would create such a bad vibe from eating them and belly pains. yuk yuk yuk.
Host ( nervously) : Let's get back to the book. I'll open at a random recipe and you explain. Grilled postman with a bean salad. Can you explain that.
Hannibal: Self explanatory , he he he. best with olive oil.
Host: Virgin olive oil?
Hannibal: The virgin's the dessert.
Host: The Annoying guy on the bus....... soup.
Hannibal: Self explanatory. Again. I don't like stupid questions.
Host: They're not questions, I'm just reading out the recipes.
Hannibal: Don't push it buddy. I have little patience.
Host: Ok Mr Lecter. Ah yes and here's another one. Here's a funny one Chef's Surprise.
Hannibal : Very good choice, the last thing a Chef expects is to be standing over a nice hot stove and suddenly his throat is cut and a minute later his or her naked body is stewing in a enormous pot with lots of garlic, barley and beef stock for flavour. Voila! Chef's surprise.
Host: That's great. So Mr Lecter, so what will you be having for dinner tonight?
Hannibal You . I've just removed my hand cuffs.
FADE TO BLACK
Host AAAGGGGGHHHHHH
Hannibal: Could someone get me a glass of Penfold's rose. Please.
THE END
So that's as a first draft written in about an hour and I've covered the major laugh angles which I was looking for and with a lot more work this could be a very funny sketch.
